The Journey Following the path that God leads!

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Challange Day Three

Over the last few days I have been so ill as to not be able to much of anything. Today I am still feeling just as sick, but am forcing myself to at least try to explain a few things. My Marriage has been falling apart for a long while. I choose now to put myself and my marriage in the hands of God. I believe marriage should mean for ever, even in death. I believe that there are some excepting, sexual abuse, physical abuse, harm to the children, or if its a matter of life and death. I believe love is something that should be shared, multiplied, and made ten fold.
Today's challenge is one to continue trying to show charity, love, by continuing to bite my tongue when i feel as if i wish to say something negative, and to keep doing small things to show respect. To add to it i must purchase something that says "i was thinking of you today" for me this is hard. I have no money. We are on a very tight budget, and every dime we have is used up. So instead of purchasing something, I was thinking i could write a little note on a post it and put it in his lunch, or make him something special for dinner. Maybe even bake him a coffee cake. Its his favorite thing to eat next to pumpkin pie.
Update: I made him a coffee cake, and also wrote a letter to him saying that i was thinking of him, and hoped he would have a good day. I know its not following the book to the letter but when your poor, and can barley afford to live day to day even the smallest gesture means something. My husband hugged me and said thank you. He did not seem overly happy or negative about it. He seemed to just accept that I made it. how he handled it and how he said his words made me feel as if he thought i did this because i wanted something from him. What he doesn't understand is I don't want anything more then his love, respect, and understanding.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Challange Day 2

Today Along with following saying nothing negative to my partner, I was told to do a unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. Today as a gesture of kindness I allowed my partner to stay on his computer with out annoying him, I made him a drink, and even went one step further as to not ask him for any assistance with any chores around the house. I showed kindness in my worlds, and actions. I put aside negative thoughts  and only spoke of nice things, complimenting him when he did anything that i may have not noticed in a anger. It was difficult because i still feel as my needs are being rejected but i know that God has a plan.
What i have learned about love in these last few days is that patients is needed. And that following God will help me to begin to better understand what love truly is.

Bible Verse of the Day:

"Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good rapute in the sight of God and man." Proverbs 3:3-4

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Challange Day One!

Today started my journey into the challenge.The task as per the book was: " For the Next day, resolve to demonstrate patients and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises choose to not say anything."
I completed this task but it was not easy. So many times I caught myself wanting to yell, or say something that i could not take back. He angered me so badly. I have been very ill, and unable to eat, or hold down foods. I have been stuck in bed, and on pain medications due to my medical issues (Endometriosis and Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had hopped he would take the slack up and cook dinner for the family, instead he waited till I wolk up and went to the bathroom to make me cook. I wanted to so badly yell, and cry. I felt so angry and that he had no respect or understanding for what I said or felt. It brought back old feelings that I have had about not being good enough, being a screw up. But in that time of crisis and wanting to waver i held my tongue and started to hum a song I was once taught years ago before i had lost my faith in god, and Christ.
"Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
In thanksgiving there-ll be a living.
sanctuary for you"
It constantly resignated in me, and the anger and fear, rage, and feelings of being insufficient for my partner went away, a peace washed over me.

I want to take this time to focus on something more profound with in me. I had fallen away from the church when I was 16. I had people in my church that treated me with so much hatred and disrespect, those that chose to treat me as if I was plagued. Others felt that I was bad luck, and Satan was working threw me.  When I was 15, my first relationship was with a man named Sam, He was 19 and part of the big brother big sister program, he worked with our school as well to help those that needed friends and people to help them with basic day to day experiances. I was a rape victium. Im 26 and its just now that I am able to say it out loud. Its just now that i feel safe enough to say it. Sam stood by me, he new how bad my homelife was, how bad everything was. He as my rock. We started Dating with my father and Mothers approval, even though my step father hated it. A year into our relationship Sam commited suicide and it left a hole inside of me that just got worse. Soon after he died My grandfather Died, and soon after that my best friend was killed in a car accident. With in a year I lost the three people that mattered to me. I lost all faith in god because of all of this.

Over the next few years I attempted suicide myself, ended up in mental hospitals, and counseling, I went threw alot. I was kicked from school because my English teacher hated me (kinda didnt help he had tried to date my mom and she turned him down). I was also very sick alot and no mater how hard I tried I never could get caught up with the work. By 17 i had my GED and was living at home in an abuse relationship with my step dad. I ran away.. And during all of this i had turned to Wicca/Paganism. I believed that the good that was happening was because of this change... I was wrong and I see that now.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Introductions are in Order!

Good Morning/Evening. I have taken it upon myself to try and complete "The Love Dare". This dare was created Stephan & Alex Kendrick, with Lawrence Kimbrough. It has had a movie called Fireproof be created based of of it. If your interested in the love dare the website will be listed below so you may purchase a copy of their book, or marriage kits. The Love Dare is a 40 day challenge to bring god into your life, and teach you about true love, and how to lead your heart into saving your marriage. I understand that it will be difficult, and at time it may seem as if giving up is the only solution, but i swear to complete this and see it to the end.

Let me give you a detailed background of were I am coming from and how I ended up finding this challenge. September 28th, 2010 I met My husband Matthew(34) on a dating site of all places. We had alot of similar interests and desires for the future. Our profiles said we had a 68% compatibility, but till that point I had never even come that close. I was lonely, having a 2 year relationship fail weeks before my wedding date. You could say I was desperate for companionship, anyone to just be there for me. It took Matt and I over a week before we started officially dating. However to some it may seem off or odd, but we never "officially" dated in Real Time.

October 10th, 2010: Matthew and I logged onto a website called Second-Life, It was in this virtual world we first started Dating. We chat for hours on microphone, and Skype. We role-played, walked around "grids" and "Sims" going to different areas and exploring the virtual world as a couple. We became almost inseparable. We each spent over 10 hours a day chatting to each other, at some points we passed out over cam or mic. It would be a few more months till things I suppose became officially serious.
December 18th, 2010: I sent money over Second-Life to have Matt come visit for the new years. He lived in Phoenix, AZ and I lived in NY so I thought it would be a great gift, as well as allow us to have our first time connection in real life and not just on a game or mic. Three days before he was to visit his mother called my house and asked me to tell Matthew it was over, and to stay there. I explained it was for a visit and that he would be returning home in a weeks time. She didn't believe this. Needless to say they basically gave him the ultimatum that if he left he was not to come home.. I did not know it at that time.
December 27, 2010 @ 12:18am he arrived from Arizona with his bags. The first moment I saw him my heart stopped, I felt beyond happy. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday, He looked so tired but so happy. He had a short sleeve polo and jeans on, flip flops, and a hat. Needles to say it was -7 outside and snowing!  Leaving the airport took us 25mins do to the traffic even at 12am, once we got to my place we settled in. Sitting on the love seat we talked for what seemed like hours, until i fell asleep on him! How embarrassing! Around 3pm I wolk up and he was sitting on my couch, some how he carried me into bed (how sweet), but when i found him he was online chatting to friends. I said good morning and he shrugged it off. I felt blown off but figured he was just trying to get things situated so we had time together.
December 31, 2010-January 2nd 2010: We traveled to visit my mom for new years! My mom loved him and approved with his polite and genuine nature. We watched fireworks from back yard, and the ball drop from her TV. At midnight we shared a long passionate kiss. It wasn't our first kiss but it might of well have been. The others were more like what a little sister does to her older brother. quick shy peck on the lips or a little kid going MWAH! It was at this moment I felt like I had met my Soul mate.
February 14, 2011: Valentines Day!!! you ether love or hate it. I personally had always hated it. This year was Special. We had 2 things that we did. One was he Asked me to be his partner (marry him) inside of Second-Life and we went to Dinner and a Movie in real-life. For the life of me I cant remember the movie, I was so tired from the long day a 10pm movie seemed late.

Over the next year things went well, we loved eachother, Lived togeather. Mainly because he didnt have any place to go. But each holiday was special, and we began to really understand what it took to be togeather.

December 24, 2011 He Asked me in RL to marry him. He hadn't had a ring, but we both believed that if you married BECAUSE of a ring it wasn't worth it. your not marrying for items, your marring to make your bond/love official. At that time it also meant to me a contract.. a agreement for each other to care for each other. I guess that was my first mistake. Of course I said YES!

Fast Foreword. March 20th, 2012 I ended up shattering my knee on a concrete step when i slid on a thick chunk of ice. It was then that I saw how much he loved me. For the 2 weeks I was in the hospital he never left my side. He slept in a chair beside me, showered in the rooms shower, ate what ever my father, aunt, or hospital had to offer. I do have to thank the Nurses at out hospital they gave him left over pizza, and pastas from there lunches or dinner parties. He never once wanted to leave my side. I coded once while under, and it scared him. I thank God now for not letting me slip fully. Over the next 7 months I went threw repeat surgeries, repairs, and physical theropy, not once did her leave me, or say i couldn't do it. He rearranged our bedroom so i could easily get in and out, he changed my camode, he took care to clean my bandages.. He did everything he could to make it better for me, to console me. The Doctors believed that how i shattered my knee i may never walk with out support, from both a brace and cane. It was a low point, but that point made me see he was the one, and further made me want him as my Husband.

October 12, 2012. We got married!!! We didnt have the money for a wedding, it was a simple justice of the peace ceremony and dinner that I cooked. Roast Beef with Potatoes and Carrots, and mini Triple Chocolate cupcakes with blue whipped cream frosting!!

The next few years were built on alot of ups and downs, Him loosing his job, us loosing our home, being forced to move out of state, me being shamed by his parents, and sister. Constantly being judged by his family as impure/unclean. Him constantly being online and ignoring me, failed business start ups. We Went threw alot, but everything mellowed out eventually. Which lead me till the last 2 years.
I can remember the day like it was yesterday, It was thanksgiving of 2014. We were living in a small cabin with no heat, no insulation, no running water, and the temperatures were between 20 and negative 4. I was angery that he had put me in this situation, i hated that he broke his promises. I was sick that i was being treated like an outsider by his family. I wasnt even welcome to the thanksgiving dinner. They said he could join but not me.. My Insulin made me have a smell (some do) and his sister complained that it made me smell really bad. For you insulin users you know the smell of some insulin products. How was it my fuilt? But he choose to eat with me. we got food in a metal throwaway container made of tin foil. And that was it.. I told him that I wanted to leave. That on the first I was using my income to move back to NY and that I would sleep on a floor at my aunts or mothers if i had to but i was done. He told me that he was sorry and that following week we packed and on the 2nd we moved back to NY, his mom YELLING the entire time we packed our truck, saying how I was stealing him.. It hurt and tore me down.
The next 6 months we lived in my old family home, waiting for the forclosure notice to say 30 days to get out, the first week no electricity, not heat, no way to cook. We lived by visiting my moms house, grandmothers, aunts, and friends homes. Showering were ever we could, cooking at any house we had the option to, and comming home throwing blankets around us, candles lit, and reading. Sadly the First week home was the best in my opinion that we ever shared. Its sad but it was the first week he hadnt been glued to a computer, or cell phone. The First week in a year that I had time to just sit and talk, listen, read books togeather. Be close. Once the power was back it went back to how it had been.
He spend 17 Hours a day 7 days a week on the computer. The only time i got him was an hour before bed and then all he wanted to do was "relax" and watch tv.. It became a constent issue, and over the times I kept telling him he needed to stop. One night (my birthday) I yelled i got soo angery that he forgot, that he was so consumed with his laptop that i made it clear i felt alone, empty, broken, and that i wasnt even a priority anymore. That when I wasnt sick he did not want me. He got mad and threw his laptop shattering the screen. After that He yelled and started using my computer. I was then left feeling alone. And thats how it is now. I feel like everything i do i never get seen, or shown gratification. I feel like i am loosing the concept of love.

I Suppose my reason for doing this Love Dare is to relearn what love is, to find god once more, to Re find myself, and to save my marriage before things get to the point of no return. I am praying to god that this goes smoothly. I plan on keeping a Daily Journal of the task and how it went, the thoughts that I have, and then a small message of what i am doing. Ideally this will last 40 Days, But thats not to say that I may stop.. I May end up making this a permanent blog. A 1year journal to show the journey and to help people out their understand that maybe things can be fixed. After all God is love.