Challange Day One!

Today started my journey into the challenge.The task as per the book was: " For the Next day, resolve to demonstrate patients and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises choose to not say anything."
I completed this task but it was not easy. So many times I caught myself wanting to yell, or say something that i could not take back. He angered me so badly. I have been very ill, and unable to eat, or hold down foods. I have been stuck in bed, and on pain medications due to my medical issues (Endometriosis and Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had hopped he would take the slack up and cook dinner for the family, instead he waited till I wolk up and went to the bathroom to make me cook. I wanted to so badly yell, and cry. I felt so angry and that he had no respect or understanding for what I said or felt. It brought back old feelings that I have had about not being good enough, being a screw up. But in that time of crisis and wanting to waver i held my tongue and started to hum a song I was once taught years ago before i had lost my faith in god, and Christ.
"Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary,
Pure and holy, tried and true,
In thanksgiving there-ll be a living.
sanctuary for you"
It constantly resignated in me, and the anger and fear, rage, and feelings of being insufficient for my partner went away, a peace washed over me.

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I want to take this time to focus on something more profound with in me. I had fallen away from the church when I was 16. I had people in my church that treated me with so much hatred and disrespect, those that chose to treat me as if I was plagued. Others felt that I was bad luck, and Satan was working threw me.  When I was 15, my first relationship was with a man named Sam, He was 19 and part of the big brother big sister program, he worked with our school as well to help those that needed friends and people to help them with basic day to day experiances. I was a rape victium. Im 26 and its just now that I am able to say it out loud. Its just now that i feel safe enough to say it. Sam stood by me, he new how bad my homelife was, how bad everything was. He as my rock. We started Dating with my father and Mothers approval, even though my step father hated it. A year into our relationship Sam commited suicide and it left a hole inside of me that just got worse. Soon after he died My grandfather Died, and soon after that my best friend was killed in a car accident. With in a year I lost the three people that mattered to me. I lost all faith in god because of all of this.

Over the next few years I attempted suicide myself, ended up in mental hospitals, and counseling, I went threw alot. I was kicked from school because my English teacher hated me (kinda didnt help he had tried to date my mom and she turned him down). I was also very sick alot and no mater how hard I tried I never could get caught up with the work. By 17 i had my GED and was living at home in an abuse relationship with my step dad. I ran away.. And during all of this i had turned to Wicca/Paganism. I believed that the good that was happening was because of this change... I was wrong and I see that now.